I can't fit these feelings into a title

Here I am again: totally naked in front of the thing I love&hate the most - the only thing that really makes me suffer so deep... my painfully-objective eyes. It seems that I've done it again, though I'm not sure what I HAVE done; but I must have done something if I deserve the "punishment" of cold-hearted self observation and evaluation.

This week started by leaving me behind... I was not ready for it: friends decieving me, school asking for more of my time, @people wanting to have chats and beers with me, proposals, moving into a new flat and above all: ME - wanting to gain more out of myself.

I realized that, after leaving @Bu, I made a silent deal with myself: that I will develop at my own (or faster) pace. Until when? I don't know, but at least until I have paid my debts. And I have... And I was surprised to find out that my pace can be incredibly fast. I almost couldn't belive myself if I were to say that I knew certain things. And I tested myself only to confirm (with a shock) that I did learn those things. I had to admit a painful thing about myself: up until now, I wasn't trying hard enough. This, particular, "why?" is very simple: I was so certain that my time doesn't afford any accelerating in my learning's pace that I never even bothered thinking if this acceleration would have done me good or not.

I had a long beer with one of the @ers I care about today. He is applying for the next EB :). He's more than capable of doing a great job and we both know that. Moreover he's a really nice guy.
I told him a lot of things and I did challenge him a lot... but what else am I good at, if not that? Leaving this side of the story to the untold, one thing did come up in our cosy chat: there are three people apllying for the VPPD position. Now, I am not entitled to judge if things would have been different if I were still there, but there are others that are. And they say that it wouldn't have been the same. I took some time-out to think about this particular thing and there's one thing that I know: if these three people had the opportunity to live a unique experience (whether it's a two-week or a-full-year experience), who am I to move that opportunity farther from them? Who gives ME this right? So, I stepped out, they stepped in and one of them will step up. And we all GROW happily ever after. I'm quite glad.

But the surprises don't stop here. I was asked if I am willing to take the challenge of being the next coach for @Ploiesti... Those were some big scarry words that were uttered to me so calmly and pacefully that I couldn't belive my ears. I haven't said anything, yet, but I am sure that I will try to take this one. Big challenges up ahead! And what's more, I'll have to live on multiple fronts again... Or maybe not. Maybe I'll succeed in doing what I have not done so far: realizing the connections between the "fronts" and using them to the full.

What comes as a very-big-fat-surprise to me is how the fuck is it possible to have such a quiet (almost - or even very - boring) life, with a lot of time for myself, for thinking randomly, for dreaming et cetera and then, out of the blue, to find myself with no time. And this was definitely not a problem of planning. Guess that Murphy strikes in one's regular life also, not only in companies.

Well, what can I say? Welcome dear Murphy! I've been (sort of) expecting you! And I know that I will be up to the challenge, even if I do not know what that challenge is... And maybe I won't for a couple of months from now. All I can do is smile (it confuses people :) ) and wave... for I know that everything will be OK as long as I trust myself, which I definitely do (and I may say that now more than at any other point in time).

A shot of cognac is just what I feel matches with my spirits, so: Cheers!

Food for thought: When do you actually know that you actually know certain things?

Manifest pentru liberalizarea cugetarii

While I was reading some of my old writings, I have found this one that I like very, very much (in more than one way). I now remember that I was very proud of myself, not only after writing this essay, but also after finding the title and the motto.

No alterations were brought to the original text.

Avertisment: aceasta bucata de scris este adresata numai oamenilor cu discernamant propriu

Motto:
Inchide trufia si prostia; deschide bine ochii si urechile. Uite-o! Ea e! Viata... in toata splendoarea ei.

"Cogito ergo sum" si totusi nu este de ajuns sa gandesti pentru a reusi sa te simti in viata. Dupa ce ai gandit si te-ai razgandit de o suta de ori ajungi la concluzia, banala de altfel, ca trebuie sa mai faci ceva pentru a putea spune ca existi. De cele mai multe ori acel ceva se cheama "a actiona". Asa a putut orbul sa treaca strada: a incetat sa se gandeasca la soarta vietii lui si la posibilul sfarsit iminent si a inceput sa mearga. Asa s-a descoperit America: un om a incetat sa se gandeasca la posibilitatea terminarii bruste a lumii dincolo de linia orizontului si s-a dus sa vada ce este acolo. Asa s-a realizat progresul: omenirea a incetat sa mai faca planuri in gol si a inceput sa-si urmeze ideile cu fapte.

Dar ce se intampla atunci cand nu gandesti? In acel moment, fie ca mergi, fie ca stai, nu ai cum sa existi. Pentru ca daca mergi fara ca ratiunea sa te ghideze, atunci nu poti fi mai mult decat o oaie care-si lasa firul de iarba neterminat si merge, in pas cu turma, spre nimic altceva decat un alt fir de iarba, probabil lasat neterminat de maica-sa. Si atunci nu poti spune ca existi. In consecinta, stai; nu te misti si nu gandesti. Si atunci ce drept ai tu sa te uiti cu superioritate la pietrele care sunt langa tine de-o viata? Ce drept ai sa le judeci cand, de fapt, ele ar trebui sa rada in hohote de tine pentru ca tu vei fi acela care vei muri fara sa traiesti... ele macar nu mor.

Si asa ajungi la concluzia ca TREBUIE sa gandesti pentru ca existenta ta sa aiba macar o sansa de a fi. Si gandesti... apoi incepi sa si actionezi... apoi realizezi cu stupoare ce bine te simti cu tine insuti... ce bine e sa fii om. Si iti traiesti viata asa cum ar trebui sa fie: fericita. La un moment dat faci un copil, sau mai multi. Si ii inveti tu, cum poti mai bine, ca trebuie sa fie, la randul lor, oameni si trebuie sa se poarte ca atare. Si totul e vesel si roz. Pana cand copiii tai dau nas in nas cu exteriorul. De obicei atunci cand acced in scoala. Si tu esti fericit ca ei invata sa fie oameni. Si ei sunt fericiti ca invata, caci un copil este un burete proaspat stors care de-abia asteapta sa se umfle cu tot felul de informatii. Si trec ani buni de fericire.

Totusi, intr-o zi, si aici sunt tentat sa spun ca este aproape inevitabil, stai la masa cu familia ta si observi ca brusc acei copii-oameni pe care ii stiai nu mai sunt asa. Dintr-o data ti se pare ca esti "mandrul parinte" al unei turme de oi. Si te-ntrebi: "De ce? Cand s-a-ntamplat lucrul acesta? Cum a fost posibil?" Astfel atingi punctul fantastic de bolnav si incredibil de molipsitor al realitatii: se pare ca sunt niste oameni, undeva in lumea asta, care-si doresc sa-ti educe copiii, si nu numai pe ai tai, atat de bine incat instinctul de turma devine o valoare. Se pare ca unii oameni privesc libera initiativa si cugetul slobod ca pe niste aprigi fiare ce vor devora lumea. Si incerci, pentru ca tu esti un om, care pe langa a gandi mai si actioneaza, incerci sa-i combati pe acei oameni cu tot cu mentalitatea lor si cu tot cu scara lor de valori care, de fapt, numai scara de valori nu e. Si ce observi? E PREA TARZIU!!! Copilul tau se departeaza usurel si in mod voit de tine si ramane oaie. Cum poti tu sa te simti atunci? Vinovat? Neputincios? Iremediabil trist? Distrus? Ratat?

Oricum te-ai simti, in nici un caz nu te apropii catusi de putin de fericire. Si atunci cum poti spune ca scopul vietii este fericirea, cand tocmai am demonstrat ca fericirea este un concept care, cel putin intr-o oarecare masura, este independent de tine. Si atunci care este scopul vietii? Mergand pe acelasi rationament as putea afirma ca scopul vietii este insasi existenta sa. In concluzie, scopul vietii omului sta in mainile sale. Si atunci ce ne impiedica sa ne luam viata in maini si sa-i atingem mult-prea-doritul scop suprem? Oare cugetarea infinita? Sa ne gandim...

I must admit that I find this piece of writing (and I find myself writing it) very sick - in the clinic-cynic-verysarcastic way.


Food for thought: How much are you able to hurt someone else (in a conscious mood) for your own good? How much are you able to do it unconsciously?

Can you smile in your last second?

I've always heard of stories that, in your last living moments your life passes before your eyes, or your kids, or your dreams that you will never get to live and so on. I find it all really nice... BUT what's the importance of you seeing your life, your unborn children, your unmet wife and so on when you know this is it... it's the last thing you'll ever think about?!

I know for a fact that smoking reduces your life expectancy. As a matter of fact so does fast-food, paranoia, depression and about a billion of other things. Are you going to think in your last seconds that you would have had eleven more minutes of life if you hadn't lit up your last cigarette???

I heard a lot of people (old ones) that are happy to have lived their lives to an extent that they can tell their grandchildren bed-stories at night. Stuff like: "Ohhh!... when I was almost your age..." Will that make them smile when they meet their fate?

I know for a fact that I have lived a lot of things that I wouldn't dare tell my grandkids about (if I ever get the chance, that is). One of them loiters still in my mind: I was chit-chatting with one of my very-dear friends the other day, telling him a story about me, when he said: "If I were you girlfriend I would kill you, but as I am your friend I will say nothing at all!" I found it really amusing at the time.

Last weekend, while I was back home, in Galati, I read some of my high-school writings that have passed through the years. One was an essay about the purpose of life, the ultimate happiness; and it started with a very nice quote from Baruch Spinoza: "We live our lives under the influence of hope and fear" HOPE and FEAR... that's it... nothing more. It made me think for the past days about that. I like this quote very much and I sense that it is similar with another of my personal favorites: "Life is all about smiles and cries... and how you control them"
Today I abandoned thinking, in a rather philosophical manner, about life - in general - and its goal, purpose, ultimate ending (whatever you want to call it) and started thinking, in a more pragmatic way, about my life. Will I have the guts, the courage, the inner strength (and so on) to smile when my time is due???

I now know the answer: NO. If my time is to be due right now, I will definitely NOT smile... But I found this exercise of thinking very useful for I know now that most of the things that I will set up to do from now on will only help me to get there: to smiling when they set me on fire. And why the fuck not?! I AM, however, smiling most of the time, right? I'm sure that everybody that knows me would state that, if they were to sum up, they saw me smiling for more seconds than not.

With this new boost of energy, I head for what is my destiny: to smile on my deathbed.


Food for thought: How is it possible for one man to worry about the happiness of a billion others, while a billion other men don't care/worry about THEIR OWN happiness?