The Bug

I had a dream last night... But that really doesn't matter. Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was, sort of, expecting that would happen, considering the shitty day I had yesterday... But that doesn't matter, either. There are very few things that matter in my life right now... Incredibly few!

When three of your friends tell you that you're drunk, go to bed! That's what is, kind of, happening to me now. I knew all along that something will happen (because I failed to fall for the Christmas spirit and all that bullshit), something that will have an impact... And I think it did: I am a BUG in the system.

I'm not ruining the fragile state of equilibrium (as a friend of mine told me) that a certain system has at a certain point... No... Not that! It seems that no system can ever fit me... Why? (Of course, not because I am "different", "better" or "worse"... That's bullshit and I don't trust people that resume to such arguments) I have a strong and deep feeling of hate (maybe the strongest and deepest that I now feel) towards rutine, repetition, fading away because everybody expects you to do that at that point in time. It really does suck because there is NO system free of repetition and routine...

So, what to do now? Good one! I think I'll just go on creating my own system (fucked-up system, that is) that will only be able to offer me satisfaction and then, when the time comes, it will disappear simultaneously with my-own-self.

Food for thought: If you were to choose ONE topic for your whole life, what will that be?

I can't fit these feelings into a title

Here I am again: totally naked in front of the thing I love&hate the most - the only thing that really makes me suffer so deep... my painfully-objective eyes. It seems that I've done it again, though I'm not sure what I HAVE done; but I must have done something if I deserve the "punishment" of cold-hearted self observation and evaluation.

This week started by leaving me behind... I was not ready for it: friends decieving me, school asking for more of my time, @people wanting to have chats and beers with me, proposals, moving into a new flat and above all: ME - wanting to gain more out of myself.

I realized that, after leaving @Bu, I made a silent deal with myself: that I will develop at my own (or faster) pace. Until when? I don't know, but at least until I have paid my debts. And I have... And I was surprised to find out that my pace can be incredibly fast. I almost couldn't belive myself if I were to say that I knew certain things. And I tested myself only to confirm (with a shock) that I did learn those things. I had to admit a painful thing about myself: up until now, I wasn't trying hard enough. This, particular, "why?" is very simple: I was so certain that my time doesn't afford any accelerating in my learning's pace that I never even bothered thinking if this acceleration would have done me good or not.

I had a long beer with one of the @ers I care about today. He is applying for the next EB :). He's more than capable of doing a great job and we both know that. Moreover he's a really nice guy.
I told him a lot of things and I did challenge him a lot... but what else am I good at, if not that? Leaving this side of the story to the untold, one thing did come up in our cosy chat: there are three people apllying for the VPPD position. Now, I am not entitled to judge if things would have been different if I were still there, but there are others that are. And they say that it wouldn't have been the same. I took some time-out to think about this particular thing and there's one thing that I know: if these three people had the opportunity to live a unique experience (whether it's a two-week or a-full-year experience), who am I to move that opportunity farther from them? Who gives ME this right? So, I stepped out, they stepped in and one of them will step up. And we all GROW happily ever after. I'm quite glad.

But the surprises don't stop here. I was asked if I am willing to take the challenge of being the next coach for @Ploiesti... Those were some big scarry words that were uttered to me so calmly and pacefully that I couldn't belive my ears. I haven't said anything, yet, but I am sure that I will try to take this one. Big challenges up ahead! And what's more, I'll have to live on multiple fronts again... Or maybe not. Maybe I'll succeed in doing what I have not done so far: realizing the connections between the "fronts" and using them to the full.

What comes as a very-big-fat-surprise to me is how the fuck is it possible to have such a quiet (almost - or even very - boring) life, with a lot of time for myself, for thinking randomly, for dreaming et cetera and then, out of the blue, to find myself with no time. And this was definitely not a problem of planning. Guess that Murphy strikes in one's regular life also, not only in companies.

Well, what can I say? Welcome dear Murphy! I've been (sort of) expecting you! And I know that I will be up to the challenge, even if I do not know what that challenge is... And maybe I won't for a couple of months from now. All I can do is smile (it confuses people :) ) and wave... for I know that everything will be OK as long as I trust myself, which I definitely do (and I may say that now more than at any other point in time).

A shot of cognac is just what I feel matches with my spirits, so: Cheers!

Food for thought: When do you actually know that you actually know certain things?

Manifest pentru liberalizarea cugetarii

While I was reading some of my old writings, I have found this one that I like very, very much (in more than one way). I now remember that I was very proud of myself, not only after writing this essay, but also after finding the title and the motto.

No alterations were brought to the original text.

Avertisment: aceasta bucata de scris este adresata numai oamenilor cu discernamant propriu

Motto:
Inchide trufia si prostia; deschide bine ochii si urechile. Uite-o! Ea e! Viata... in toata splendoarea ei.

"Cogito ergo sum" si totusi nu este de ajuns sa gandesti pentru a reusi sa te simti in viata. Dupa ce ai gandit si te-ai razgandit de o suta de ori ajungi la concluzia, banala de altfel, ca trebuie sa mai faci ceva pentru a putea spune ca existi. De cele mai multe ori acel ceva se cheama "a actiona". Asa a putut orbul sa treaca strada: a incetat sa se gandeasca la soarta vietii lui si la posibilul sfarsit iminent si a inceput sa mearga. Asa s-a descoperit America: un om a incetat sa se gandeasca la posibilitatea terminarii bruste a lumii dincolo de linia orizontului si s-a dus sa vada ce este acolo. Asa s-a realizat progresul: omenirea a incetat sa mai faca planuri in gol si a inceput sa-si urmeze ideile cu fapte.

Dar ce se intampla atunci cand nu gandesti? In acel moment, fie ca mergi, fie ca stai, nu ai cum sa existi. Pentru ca daca mergi fara ca ratiunea sa te ghideze, atunci nu poti fi mai mult decat o oaie care-si lasa firul de iarba neterminat si merge, in pas cu turma, spre nimic altceva decat un alt fir de iarba, probabil lasat neterminat de maica-sa. Si atunci nu poti spune ca existi. In consecinta, stai; nu te misti si nu gandesti. Si atunci ce drept ai tu sa te uiti cu superioritate la pietrele care sunt langa tine de-o viata? Ce drept ai sa le judeci cand, de fapt, ele ar trebui sa rada in hohote de tine pentru ca tu vei fi acela care vei muri fara sa traiesti... ele macar nu mor.

Si asa ajungi la concluzia ca TREBUIE sa gandesti pentru ca existenta ta sa aiba macar o sansa de a fi. Si gandesti... apoi incepi sa si actionezi... apoi realizezi cu stupoare ce bine te simti cu tine insuti... ce bine e sa fii om. Si iti traiesti viata asa cum ar trebui sa fie: fericita. La un moment dat faci un copil, sau mai multi. Si ii inveti tu, cum poti mai bine, ca trebuie sa fie, la randul lor, oameni si trebuie sa se poarte ca atare. Si totul e vesel si roz. Pana cand copiii tai dau nas in nas cu exteriorul. De obicei atunci cand acced in scoala. Si tu esti fericit ca ei invata sa fie oameni. Si ei sunt fericiti ca invata, caci un copil este un burete proaspat stors care de-abia asteapta sa se umfle cu tot felul de informatii. Si trec ani buni de fericire.

Totusi, intr-o zi, si aici sunt tentat sa spun ca este aproape inevitabil, stai la masa cu familia ta si observi ca brusc acei copii-oameni pe care ii stiai nu mai sunt asa. Dintr-o data ti se pare ca esti "mandrul parinte" al unei turme de oi. Si te-ntrebi: "De ce? Cand s-a-ntamplat lucrul acesta? Cum a fost posibil?" Astfel atingi punctul fantastic de bolnav si incredibil de molipsitor al realitatii: se pare ca sunt niste oameni, undeva in lumea asta, care-si doresc sa-ti educe copiii, si nu numai pe ai tai, atat de bine incat instinctul de turma devine o valoare. Se pare ca unii oameni privesc libera initiativa si cugetul slobod ca pe niste aprigi fiare ce vor devora lumea. Si incerci, pentru ca tu esti un om, care pe langa a gandi mai si actioneaza, incerci sa-i combati pe acei oameni cu tot cu mentalitatea lor si cu tot cu scara lor de valori care, de fapt, numai scara de valori nu e. Si ce observi? E PREA TARZIU!!! Copilul tau se departeaza usurel si in mod voit de tine si ramane oaie. Cum poti tu sa te simti atunci? Vinovat? Neputincios? Iremediabil trist? Distrus? Ratat?

Oricum te-ai simti, in nici un caz nu te apropii catusi de putin de fericire. Si atunci cum poti spune ca scopul vietii este fericirea, cand tocmai am demonstrat ca fericirea este un concept care, cel putin intr-o oarecare masura, este independent de tine. Si atunci care este scopul vietii? Mergand pe acelasi rationament as putea afirma ca scopul vietii este insasi existenta sa. In concluzie, scopul vietii omului sta in mainile sale. Si atunci ce ne impiedica sa ne luam viata in maini si sa-i atingem mult-prea-doritul scop suprem? Oare cugetarea infinita? Sa ne gandim...

I must admit that I find this piece of writing (and I find myself writing it) very sick - in the clinic-cynic-verysarcastic way.


Food for thought: How much are you able to hurt someone else (in a conscious mood) for your own good? How much are you able to do it unconsciously?

Can you smile in your last second?

I've always heard of stories that, in your last living moments your life passes before your eyes, or your kids, or your dreams that you will never get to live and so on. I find it all really nice... BUT what's the importance of you seeing your life, your unborn children, your unmet wife and so on when you know this is it... it's the last thing you'll ever think about?!

I know for a fact that smoking reduces your life expectancy. As a matter of fact so does fast-food, paranoia, depression and about a billion of other things. Are you going to think in your last seconds that you would have had eleven more minutes of life if you hadn't lit up your last cigarette???

I heard a lot of people (old ones) that are happy to have lived their lives to an extent that they can tell their grandchildren bed-stories at night. Stuff like: "Ohhh!... when I was almost your age..." Will that make them smile when they meet their fate?

I know for a fact that I have lived a lot of things that I wouldn't dare tell my grandkids about (if I ever get the chance, that is). One of them loiters still in my mind: I was chit-chatting with one of my very-dear friends the other day, telling him a story about me, when he said: "If I were you girlfriend I would kill you, but as I am your friend I will say nothing at all!" I found it really amusing at the time.

Last weekend, while I was back home, in Galati, I read some of my high-school writings that have passed through the years. One was an essay about the purpose of life, the ultimate happiness; and it started with a very nice quote from Baruch Spinoza: "We live our lives under the influence of hope and fear" HOPE and FEAR... that's it... nothing more. It made me think for the past days about that. I like this quote very much and I sense that it is similar with another of my personal favorites: "Life is all about smiles and cries... and how you control them"
Today I abandoned thinking, in a rather philosophical manner, about life - in general - and its goal, purpose, ultimate ending (whatever you want to call it) and started thinking, in a more pragmatic way, about my life. Will I have the guts, the courage, the inner strength (and so on) to smile when my time is due???

I now know the answer: NO. If my time is to be due right now, I will definitely NOT smile... But I found this exercise of thinking very useful for I know now that most of the things that I will set up to do from now on will only help me to get there: to smiling when they set me on fire. And why the fuck not?! I AM, however, smiling most of the time, right? I'm sure that everybody that knows me would state that, if they were to sum up, they saw me smiling for more seconds than not.

With this new boost of energy, I head for what is my destiny: to smile on my deathbed.


Food for thought: How is it possible for one man to worry about the happiness of a billion others, while a billion other men don't care/worry about THEIR OWN happiness?

Ode to AIESEC

This Sunday I helped the guys in AIESEC with the interviews. It was 8 o’clock in the evening and I was in the office evaluating together with everybody else when I realized that I could barely see before my eyes. It was indeed very, very tiring. I remember the spring recruitment: I had a day in which I did two group interviews and ten individual interviews, but was able to smile and have fun at the end of the day. I compared that feeling with the one I had on Sunday evening (when, though I could smile – and I did – I was so fucking beat after having ten individual interviews).

And some say that motivation doesn’t give you wings. HA!!! I know now for sure that, for me at least, it does provide wings. And not only that motivation provides you with wings, but you also use them. Because I realized that, while now I was doing my best to try and help some friends, back then I was doing my best to contribute to the success of our organization.

But, apart from being dead-tired, I enjoyed having an outsider’s look on how things are going in @. That exercise of observation made me write this “Ode to @”.

- It’s weird how easy we forget : the Vision of this recruitment is written on a flipchart and posted in the office. It says: “We have recruited high potential students that meet the development needs of AIESEC Bucharest and are motivated to go through a complete @XP”. In the next room you can hear words like “OK! We’ll take this one, give him something small to do and then send him in exchange in the summer”. I can remember that we were laughing at some other LCs in the country during the Recruitment Functional Meeting that they were planning to create what we called “small change agents” that being a person whose life in AIESEC would look like the one I just described earlier. Why do we keep forgetting so fast… especially things that are uncomfortable?

- Passion is everything: I saw people that were - maybe not as tired as I was - but still tired and that, after everything finished, knew that they still have to sort out the application forms, interview forms and so on (this being some boring, tiring work). And not only that they knew, but they wanted to do this and get it done. This, among others things I’ve seen, is passion and every time I saw this in the office I was invariably overjoyed. GREAT things are accomplished with passion.

- Arrogance is bliss: It came to me yesterday: it’s so fucking easy to be arrogant. To say that they are stupid, or that they are not doing the right thing, or that they are wasting time (your mother-fucking-precious time) and, with all that, to forget that YOU YOURSELF are one small, pitiful, low mother fucker. It’s easy to question whether everybody else is doing what they should while you loiter in your own, comfortable lameness. It’s easy to seem the God of them all and keep delegating tasks that you yourself do not know how to do. I acknowledge that I strongly RESENT this attitude.

- Living values, a reality: It’s nice to see that we were all far away from perfection, but still we strived for it. It was nice to see that people with so diverse backgrounds and personalities were able, not only to work together, but to have fun together. In a nutshell it was very nice to see that some people DO live the values that AIESEC has. And it was more enjoyable to see the fact that they did it unconsciously.

I’ve seen quite a lot in almost a year of AIESEC. I’m sure that I could have seen even more if I was to remain for another two or three years. But if there’s one thing I know foe sure, it’s that I will ALWAYS recommend AIESEC as the GREATEST experience that you can access during your student life. And I know that this is true and I won’t let anybody to try and tell me otherwise.

There’s a thought (that maybe will remain untold, at least for the time being) that SCREAMS: “Go ahead guys!!! Don’t stop!!! Go ahead and do what YOU know best! And never stop until this world will be a much better place for everybody!!!

Food for thought: Why is it sometimes so hard to convince others that what you are saying is true?

ROCK ME pic

  

The end of another chapter

The galaxy is full of stars and planets. Earth is just one of them. Earth is full of people (some 6 billion of them, if I’m not wrong). I am one of them. My life is made of lots of chapters. AIESEC was just one of them. And it’s over now.

I was laughing at myself the other day while I was rememorizing the many thoughts that wandered through my mind in the last four-five weeks. The decision-making process that started with the question: “Do I still want to run for VP PD?” and developed into another, more drastic question that needed a Yes-or-No answer: “Do I still want to be in @?” I was laughing because it was the most serious thing I’ve done in a long, long time; I had to use every ounce of energy I had; I challenged myself to look onto the issue from all the perspectives that I could have got; and so on.

It’s a nice exercise to have, especially after a period when you treat things serious, but definitely not too serious because it was too risky (as in you can lose it if you take things too seriously). This time around it was all serious, from the beginning ‘till the very end; it was so because I had to take a decision that would then impact the remainder of my life, the whole of it. Overall it was a very nice experience.

The funniest part, though, came just after I had made my mind; just after I knew that I was about to leave: it was the part when I wanted to see what AIESEC was for me (in the real sense); it was the time when I wanted to “evaluate my @XP”. The funniest part in this was rememorizing the stages I passed through, regarding attitude towards AIESEC and its impact on my life. The flow was something like: hatred (I haven’t learned anything from this organization because I only did what I knew best and I knew more than I did); indifference (maybe I learned a couple of things… maybe not… anyway, it wasn’t that good; let’s say that not so bad either); love (look at all these people around me and how they are growing; they would be so much worse without AIESEC. I’m sure that this is applicable in my case also); fear (was I wrong in the decision I had taken?); RESPECT (I do RESPECT this organization and I do acknowledge the progress I made with its help; I do SEE that AIESEC makes so many people so much better, me included; I do KNOW that things could be better... but is there a perfect thing in this world; I AM SURE that leaving was the best thing for me; I WISH, with all my heart, that @ will be better and better each day. It was what I was striving for every day of my @XP, and I am SURE that this will happen ALWAYS because I do BELIEVE in @ers, especially in those that I know better, the ones from Bucharest).

Food for thought: I know that the vast majority of people tend to say that quality is better than quantity, but what should be done in order to get these people to actually believe this and to act upon this on a daily basis?

So, you DO have a purpose!?

I’ve always had this hobby about human behavior. I started reading more, observing more and, in the end, got quite a hang of it. But me worrying about one’s behavior in life or towards life was a too big deal for me; so I took an easier step: relationships. I’ve studied male behavior towards a relationship, female behavior (in the same circumstances) and, even, couple behavior. “Strange hobby”, one might say, but it was mine and I didn’t care…

It was rather easy for me to get a grip of these things for I saw the Purpose of, either, the male, the female or the couple. I do think now that the reason that kept me from undertaking Life as circumstance was that I couldn’t get a grip of the Purpose. I only thought of things that sounded like clichés, such as: divine absolution; “it’s the only thing we got, so we might just go ahead and live it”; “I wanna be rich and powerful” and all those. Well… this was not inside my definition of a true, well-thought-of Purpose.

Later I began asking myself: “What is YOUR Purpose?” It was a hard one… It still is!

I’ve already defined my vision, that is: “making people better” and the Way that I’m doing things: “continuously challenging myself”, but I’m not sure yet about the Purpose

Food for thought: is the way shorter when you know the destination?

I'm happy... Who are you???

If it's one thing that I know I have always admitted, is the fact that I am egocentric. Though I tend to be less nowadays than in the past, still, I am. But the other day, it dawned on me: I'm not the only one (as one might expect)... but not only that; it seems that we all are; it just depends on the extent on which we are egocentric. "No surprises 'till here" I was thinking... but then, it came: as history shows (and as I have also seen on some occasions), it seems that people tend to be more egocentric when they found happiness...


Indeed, this cliché that is happiness (due to over usage) seems to be less than perfect, if you look upon it from the right angle. So... we live our lives to achieve happiness. OK, but what then? As some people do, they find happiness. It would seem logic for them to share it, considering the fact that it is known that not only they are living for achieving this feeling. But they DON'T... Or, if they do, they do it in their last living moments, and this, in my opinion, is not altruism, but rather, guilt. Guilt for they have enjoyed it alone for so much (or maybe not that much) time. Even then, they don't do it for the sake of others, but just to add a seemingly altruistic (good) deed to their "CV" with which they present themselves in front of God at the Judgment... an egoistic act in itself.

I met a nice guy some days ago. He indeed had found happiness… in drugs. After a few years he realized that it wasn’t happiness anymore, he put himself into a rehab center, healed, and now is just using them for fun (while again searching for his happiness). The nice conversation we had started when I asked him when he started sharing “his happiness” with others… The obvious response was: “When it was not happiness anymore!” “And before?” “I couldn’t share anything before as I was to much in love with it” I thanked him for bringing me back to reality with his example, because, although I was thinking about this issue for quite some time, I was always saying to myself that it is only my imagination and that the world is better than I might judge it… Now, I don’t like to judge, but I bow my head in the face of hard evidence.

Food for thought: Why do we ask perfection of others, but get scared when we think that WE could be (at least) better?

there and back again

Indeed "there and back again"... I don't feel quite like Bilbo Baggins (the rightful writer of "There and back again"), but I do feel different and I do feel it in me (and around).

I was in Oglinzi (a cute resort in the region of Moldavia) from the 9th until the 17th of August. I was brought there by two AIESEC conferences and I must say that it was the first time that I attended two conferences one after the other with no pause... It was pretty challenging if I consider my stamina, but all turned out to be ok in the end (meaning I'm still alive and kicking... from time to time).


As usually, my AHA moments (or semi-AHA, or almost-AHA moments) were concerned about people... It came as a surprise to me the things that certain people say or do if the eye of the beholder (what is a beholder) is either closed or far away. I must admit that the hidden part of people never ceases to amaze me.

I am standing now, facing this past experience, and I can say that it did me good for I have returned with some more knowledge on different topics, some new acquaintances, a truckload of new responsibilities (and one of them I really find challenging, so all is not in vain), a girlfriend less (not necessarily the strong point here) and, of course, more days that have been lived and less still to be lived.

As for the "and back again" part, I'm sitting home, in front of my computer, and I can only think of one thing:











being in the mountains... admiring... breathing... and everything that goes with that

Food for thought: When all doors close down on you, there will ALWAYS be another that opens; why is that?

When the Sea meets the Land

When a boy meets a girl who he likes, you can see a smile; when a girl meets a boy who she likes you can see... a smile. If they end up together, it will, most probably, be all about smiles. So when do cries appear in this equation?
Maybe the cries will show after they get to know each other and realize how different they are. So what happens then?

I'll tell you what doesn't happen (not regularly, anyway): they don't think that life is based on incompatibilities... They don't see the World's (ancient) couples that are incompatible (sometimes, even opposite). Let's take a look at the place where the Sea touches the Land (some call it "the seaside" :P)... That's the spot where you can see what a beatiful couple they make. Why do I say that? Just take a look at the figures! How many people go to the seaside every year? (...I think many...) Why do they go there? (...Most probably they go there in vacation, to relax, to enjoy, to have fun and so on...) I would say that the Sea and the Land make a pretty nice couple, considering the fact that people come around them to enjoy themselves... In the end it does turn out to be all about smiles!

food for thought: why do people think? 

My life in simple words...

"My life in simple words..." was the title of what was thought to be my autobiography. I first wanted to write this book when I was around 14. The aim of it was for people to learn from others' experiences, as I had, and to reveal to anybody that might be interested some (or all) of the experiences that I already had (and others, that I was confident will come... and they did).

Nowadays the thought of writting that book is very far away from me, but the title remained present in my memory... so here it is!

Indeed "my life", because this is what I am writting about; and indeed "in simple words" because there's so much fun in life, that it is a pitty to miss it just because you don't understand the words...

At the end, food for thought: the world, as it is today, severly lacks philosophers. Is it true? If it is, what can we do about it?