Here I am again: totally naked in front of the thing I love&hate the most - the only thing that really makes me suffer so deep... my painfully-objective eyes. It seems that I've done it again, though I'm not sure what I HAVE done; but I must have done something if I deserve the "punishment" of cold-hearted self observation and evaluation.
This week started by leaving me behind... I was not ready for it: friends decieving me, school asking for more of my time, @people wanting to have chats and beers with me, proposals, moving into a new flat and above all: ME - wanting to gain more out of myself.
I realized that, after leaving @Bu, I made a silent deal with myself: that I will develop at my own (or faster) pace. Until when? I don't know, but at least until I have paid my debts. And I have... And I was surprised to find out that my pace can be incredibly fast. I almost couldn't belive myself if I were to say that I knew certain things. And I tested myself only to confirm (with a shock) that I did learn those things. I had to admit a painful thing about myself: up until now, I wasn't trying hard enough. This, particular, "why?" is very simple: I was so certain that my time doesn't afford any accelerating in my learning's pace that I never even bothered thinking if this acceleration would have done me good or not.
I had a long beer with one of the @ers I care about today. He is applying for the next EB :). He's more than capable of doing a great job and we both know that. Moreover he's a really nice guy.
I told him a lot of things and I did challenge him a lot... but what else am I good at, if not that? Leaving this side of the story to the untold, one thing did come up in our cosy chat: there are three people apllying for the VPPD position. Now, I am not entitled to judge if things would have been different if I were still there, but there are others that are. And they say that it wouldn't have been the same. I took some time-out to think about this particular thing and there's one thing that I know: if these three people had the opportunity to live a unique experience (whether it's a two-week or a-full-year experience), who am I to move that opportunity farther from them? Who gives ME this right? So, I stepped out, they stepped in and one of them will step up. And we all GROW happily ever after. I'm quite glad.
But the surprises don't stop here. I was asked if I am willing to take the challenge of being the next coach for @Ploiesti... Those were some big scarry words that were uttered to me so calmly and pacefully that I couldn't belive my ears. I haven't said anything, yet, but I am sure that I will try to take this one. Big challenges up ahead! And what's more, I'll have to live on multiple fronts again... Or maybe not. Maybe I'll succeed in doing what I have not done so far: realizing the connections between the "fronts" and using them to the full.
What comes as a very-big-fat-surprise to me is how the fuck is it possible to have such a quiet (almost - or even very - boring) life, with a lot of time for myself, for thinking randomly, for dreaming et cetera and then, out of the blue, to find myself with no time. And this was definitely not a problem of planning. Guess that Murphy strikes in one's regular life also, not only in companies.
Well, what can I say? Welcome dear Murphy! I've been (sort of) expecting you! And I know that I will be up to the challenge, even if I do not know what that challenge is... And maybe I won't for a couple of months from now. All I can do is smile (it confuses people :) ) and wave... for I know that everything will be OK as long as I trust myself, which I definitely do (and I may say that now more than at any other point in time).
A shot of cognac is just what I feel matches with my spirits, so: Cheers!
Food for thought: When do you actually know that you actually know certain things?
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