Planning for Life (... or "My Home Away From Home")

Home, for me, was always more than just location. I think at "home" as a feeling, a state of mind that stays with me during many days and nights in a row. Home is tranquility, home is a vivid picture in my head, home is both excitement and relaxation and, of course, home is where I lay my head (as Hetfield sang). Home is also people: the people I live with, the neighbors, friends and family even if they are not bound to the same location or region as I am. Home is everywhere for ma right now. I still lack a house though.

Which brings me to my next point: you always rate your friends. Whether you like to admit it or not, you always rate your friends. And it's always more than the two well-known groups: acquaintances and friends. A good question that helps you rate your friends is: "Can I spend the night (or more nights) at your place?" If you are able to ask this question without even thinking whether it's appropriate or not, than you can rate that friend quite high on your list. If you can ask this question, knowing that the answer will be "Yes", but don't quite want to "use a favor" for this one, you can't possibly rate that friend too high. If you can't even ask, it's never more than an acquaintance. These, under the circumstances that all of your friends have a place to stay and you could also fit in.

All these (and more) being considered, any rating (using any filters) of your friends is bound to be unfair. Why? Because you can't apply hard criteria (as weight or quantity) to soft relationships (as friendships). And that ism as it should be, because friendships (like love, for instance) should be felt and not thought through. After a lot of years (that have passed since I first said this) I still believe good friendships cannot deteriorate even if you see each other twice a year (for example). And I have the perfect case practice to sustain that point of view.

So here I am, home away from home and without a house, with not that much money on my hands, but happy and with the right people by my side. And at the end of the day this matters more! And in this context, I'm planning for life: a masters degree, a career (that will always begin with a job), a relationship and all the things I imagine I'll need in the future. Planning... The doing part has also started, but I have a lot to work on it still. Peacefully!

Food for thought: When you're not afraid of being alone because you can be perfectly happy like that also (at least for some time) it means that your life is on the right path. Hmm???

Here I am...

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything… During this period, one of the most important things I’ve done is that I graduated from my three-year faculty with the thesis: “The Thinking Processes – because we rely on the quality of our decisions”. Another important thing that I’ve done (on the less positive side) is that I’ve hurt a person that is dear to me.

These being said, I arrive into the present, where I currently am, in the middle of a decision making process (it seems that deciding is the only thing that I’ve been doing lately). The decision, one that is common to us all, is “what’s next?” Here I am: lots of time (apparently), no money, (soon) no place to stay, tons of happiness and light-heartedness inside, thinking, or better said, day-dreaming: “Is it going to be all right? Will this choice be the right one for me? Where will I end up? What will become of me?” Here I am, surrounded more than ever in the last three years by my old friends. Here I am, in the middle of this summer that doesn’t make me think about vacation, but about the fact that I am facing a new beginning.

So this is me right now: living peacefully, quietly and filled with positivity, optimism and happiness the last days of this stage, thus having almost the same emotional state that I had when it began. And this fact surprises me because, somewhere on the way here, I was so far from this state that it seemed almost impossible for me to reach it.

Here I am: a GRADUATE! Rounding up this stage, I think about a lot of people and a lot of things that have remained unsaid, undone, and I can only say: “For all of you, LET IT BE!” Let go! Live on! Act, dream, think, write, read, talk, run! Do whatever makes you live the way you like to live! For I will to…

Food for thought: A short while ago I learned this: determination is at times the most valuable characteristic that you should posses at all times.

Summerish crises

Summerish crises: (copy-paste from dictionary.reference.com) "cri-sis [krahy-sis] noun, plural -ses /-siz/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[-seez]

1.	a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, esp. for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.

2.	a condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change.

3.	a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.

4.	Medicine/Medical. a. the point in the course of a serious disease at which a decisive change occurs, leading either to recovery or to death. b. the change itself.

5.	the point in a play or story at which hostile elements are most tensely opposed to each other."

It's sumer! I'm surrounded by light, warmth, sound... and a lot of uncertainty. In the recent past I've seen a lot of people (also people I know) acting, living, following their (?) lifelong-plan. It was all so devoid of all (or at least an important part of) logic! I was stunned. It seems that I am quite a logical person, with no long-term plan whatsoever. My logic is simple: do I like it? then Let's do it! or... Fuck that! Of course there are the things that you MUST do, endure, go through... Why? Who are these bad people that are MAKING YOU do stuff? Why do you let them? For social inclusiveness? or maybe another abstract notion you strive for.

"What do you do when you know something is bad for you and you still can't let go?" Why do you fall in love, why do you get addicted, why can't you stop anything that you might be doing, why are you sick just because they say so? Whatever the reasons, we all do it. Each for their own reasons. And we love and hate ourselves for this. Another thing that we all have in common: we all get suffocated by that! "Every time I try to grasp for air I am smothered in despair, It's never over, over! It seems I'll never wake from this nightmare. I let out a silent prayer: Let it be over, over! Inside I'm screaming, begging, pleading no more!"

Why do we have the power to begin doing all these things, but it seems that nobody has the power to stop them? And, given the road that we walk on, why don't they choose on which side of the road they should walk. And even if they do, why do you commit to that side only? Change or die (of boredom)!!! "Every step I take leads to one mistake: I keep going right back to the one thing that I need [...] To walk away from!"

Don't ever travel. Not unless you know how to enjoy it and know that you can get out of this train at any station. Don't ever go back home! Not until you can also call this place "Home!" Don't ever give up! Only do it when it has a meaning in itself, when it means doing something, not stopping to do something. Laugh and run, but always expect to choke while doing that!
Enjoy your summer as I enjoy my summerish crises.

Food for thought: what is the difference between people who listen to music in a low volume and those who do it with a (very) high volume?

My chapter is over…

I remember one late evening back when I was in high-school. I was with this girl, in Galati, talking… flirting. I remember myself saying something like “I’ve changed a lot of times throughout my life so far; and I’ve worked a lot to reach the point in which I am now. I love who I am now, also because of the energy I invested to get here, and I am not going to change… not for you, nor for anybody else!” I was that guy for quite a long period of time (relative to my “other selves”) and I even used that line with some other girls, some of them might even be reading these lines. I was that guy!

In more recent years, I remember another thing that I said quite a lot (you might have heard me if you were paying attention, but don’t be sad if you realize that you weren’t): “I hate happy endings!” Of course, I was always letting you think that I am only referring to Hollywood movies. I wasn’t! I even labeled myself as being “depressive” once in a while. Of course, I always protected you (whoever you are) by making it sound like a joke. I was only protecting you.

All these things, and more, come back to me now; the puzzle is clear. And, as Steve Jobs says in his Stanford speech in 2005, which I like very much, “you can only connect the dots looking backwards!” I hated happy endings because I always knew that there will be a happy ending at the end of the movie, so, when it was all over, I had lost something: I had lost a no-happy ending. So I was ok, it was ok for me because losing something made me feel good because I was depressive, and depressive personalities feel good when they lose or when they lack or even when they hurt.

I see all these now and quite some more, but I cannot write everything in here. I do see it and that is because of one reason. One! I was that guy up until around 20 minutes ago. I am not him anymore. Still, I am Vick and I know my identity, which has not change. But the way in which I’m doing things has. The way in which I need to feel in order to be happy has changed.

I told some of the people who were very close to me in the past week (do not read “only in the past week”) that I feel I am about to make a really big decision in my life, that I am close to a turning point. I thought, then, that it would be about me applying for this entry-level, HR, grossly overpaid job a friend of mine told me about, or continuing with my dream (plan) of starting my own business. I see now how wrong I was. The turning point (as it seems) was a lot more important than a job or a career, it was about me, my life, my personality, my whole being.

So this is it! Cheers for the new me! If you’re curious how I look now, I’m sure that you will find a way for us to spend some time together and you will have the chance to discover the changes for yourself. Until then, hugs and kisses!

Food for thought: can you go on living the same life as you were before when you realize that you are a different person?

Obsolete

Written on March 19^th 2008

I always thought of myself as being obsolete in various contexts in which I found myself. I’m still not sure if this happens because of my out-of-date personality or just because I keep getting myself in all sorts of fucked up situations.

I’m currently in Belgium (again) for an AIESEC conference (Believe 2008, former BeLDS, the Belgian national leadership development seminar). I have applied as a facilitator (a while back) with the thought that if I’ve been a facilitator at ICPS in Romania (twice) – cultural preparation conference – without being myself on an Exchange, I might as well facilitate this leadership conference without having a formal leadership experience in AIESEC; so much for my fetish of doing random and (possibly) unwanted things in life.

Anyway I’m not going to tell you about my experience (a quite cool one so far) at Believe 2008, but rather I feel the need to contemplate the weird situation I’m currently in: it’s the final day of our pre-meeting and everybody’s preparing their sessions… and I’m writing this blog entry!

I AM obsolete actually. Because, although I connected really well with my team (and them with myself), we can’t discuss so many things, as AIESECers talk only about AIESEC and I am neither up-to-date with how things are going in the organization, nor really interested to expand my knowledge in different countries’ strategies.

I AM obsolete actually because nobody feels like rushing through their work so that they finish with some time to spare.

I AM obsolete actually because we AIESECers prefer not to ask for help or input because we are “developing” our own “babies” and we are very much attached to them.

I AM obsolete actually… because this is just how I am and I find it hard (even though it might be a smart, or at least safe thing to do) to want to change myself.

Well… this is just another drop in the glass; not the first, not the last.

Anyway (because I really feel like drawing a conclusion to what has been said) this is my last AIESEC conference for a while (maybe for a long while) because that’s the way it should be. AIESEC is fot the true AIESECers and I don’t fit into that profile anymore. I chose a different path and (maybe) I will turn out to be as successful (or at least close) as them.

And it is with this thought that I conclude!

Food for thought: what can you do when life hits you in the face with all its horrible sights?

Sexually harassed

To harass (verb - used with object) = to disturb persistently; torment, as with trouble or cares; bother continually; pester; persecute.

Harassment comes in many forms and sizes nowadays. For example you have: paparazzi harassing the various acting, singing or any other kind of stars, the FCC (or CNA, in Romanian) harassing different TV shows or movies, sexual harassment, racial harassment, police harassment, financial harassment (a polite phrase for “blackmailing”) and so on (see more on harassment). I am sure that most of us can think about at least some cases of harassment. But how many of those have YOU done? How many times have you harassed all sorts of people, be they strangers, acquaintances, family or friends?

I, for once, know that I do it all the time. This whole blog (and eventually, my whole being) screams “PROPAGANDA!” This is what I do every time I write, every time I talk to somebody or give random pieces of advice: I go about telling people what I believe in and how they should listen and do the same (of course, in case I’m trying to set a positive example). I do have some things (be they values, principles or other stuff) in which I truly believe: I believe that it’s right to think; I believe that it’s right to dream (and try to make your dreams come true); I believe that it’s right to have fun (even when it means that you get wasted during the process); I believe that it’s worth being unethical at times; I believe in true sincerity (if omission is not considered insincere); I believe we have the right to question anything and that everybody has a duty to explain their actions; I believe it’s better to have a logical approach to all that surrounds me and a few more things (but I think these are the most important ones).

Whether any of you fell harassed at any point: switch the channel! It makes no sense to try and tell me that I’m harassing you, because I already know (and, possibly, I can’t help it). So if you’re not comfortable with this: switch the channel, because it won’t go away if you do nothing in this respect!

I have been socially (or technologically, or something like that) harassed for the passed three weeks: first my computer broke down and then our neighbors’ Internet connection stopped working. For the (mostly made up) stories about how lost, isolated, confused and so on I was during this period, invite me over for a coffee (or a meal if you are a good cook). The bottom line is that I realized (once more) that it’s nice to be alone and not having to have any social contacts (some would call me anti-social, but who can blame them?) as long as you have something to think about (something that really concerns you… or not).

How harassed do you feel now, after reading this post?

By the way I saw a (poor) movie that had a brilliant line: “It’s not sincerity that will break you, man, it’s THE TRUTH!”

Food for thought: Do you have at least twenty things or groups of people that you truly respect?