Here I am...

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything… During this period, one of the most important things I’ve done is that I graduated from my three-year faculty with the thesis: “The Thinking Processes – because we rely on the quality of our decisions”. Another important thing that I’ve done (on the less positive side) is that I’ve hurt a person that is dear to me.

These being said, I arrive into the present, where I currently am, in the middle of a decision making process (it seems that deciding is the only thing that I’ve been doing lately). The decision, one that is common to us all, is “what’s next?” Here I am: lots of time (apparently), no money, (soon) no place to stay, tons of happiness and light-heartedness inside, thinking, or better said, day-dreaming: “Is it going to be all right? Will this choice be the right one for me? Where will I end up? What will become of me?” Here I am, surrounded more than ever in the last three years by my old friends. Here I am, in the middle of this summer that doesn’t make me think about vacation, but about the fact that I am facing a new beginning.

So this is me right now: living peacefully, quietly and filled with positivity, optimism and happiness the last days of this stage, thus having almost the same emotional state that I had when it began. And this fact surprises me because, somewhere on the way here, I was so far from this state that it seemed almost impossible for me to reach it.

Here I am: a GRADUATE! Rounding up this stage, I think about a lot of people and a lot of things that have remained unsaid, undone, and I can only say: “For all of you, LET IT BE!” Let go! Live on! Act, dream, think, write, read, talk, run! Do whatever makes you live the way you like to live! For I will to…

Food for thought: A short while ago I learned this: determination is at times the most valuable characteristic that you should posses at all times.

Summerish crises

Summerish crises: (copy-paste from dictionary.reference.com) "cri-sis [krahy-sis] noun, plural -ses /-siz/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[-seez]

1.	a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, esp. for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.

2.	a condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change.

3.	a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.

4.	Medicine/Medical. a. the point in the course of a serious disease at which a decisive change occurs, leading either to recovery or to death. b. the change itself.

5.	the point in a play or story at which hostile elements are most tensely opposed to each other."

It's sumer! I'm surrounded by light, warmth, sound... and a lot of uncertainty. In the recent past I've seen a lot of people (also people I know) acting, living, following their (?) lifelong-plan. It was all so devoid of all (or at least an important part of) logic! I was stunned. It seems that I am quite a logical person, with no long-term plan whatsoever. My logic is simple: do I like it? then Let's do it! or... Fuck that! Of course there are the things that you MUST do, endure, go through... Why? Who are these bad people that are MAKING YOU do stuff? Why do you let them? For social inclusiveness? or maybe another abstract notion you strive for.

"What do you do when you know something is bad for you and you still can't let go?" Why do you fall in love, why do you get addicted, why can't you stop anything that you might be doing, why are you sick just because they say so? Whatever the reasons, we all do it. Each for their own reasons. And we love and hate ourselves for this. Another thing that we all have in common: we all get suffocated by that! "Every time I try to grasp for air I am smothered in despair, It's never over, over! It seems I'll never wake from this nightmare. I let out a silent prayer: Let it be over, over! Inside I'm screaming, begging, pleading no more!"

Why do we have the power to begin doing all these things, but it seems that nobody has the power to stop them? And, given the road that we walk on, why don't they choose on which side of the road they should walk. And even if they do, why do you commit to that side only? Change or die (of boredom)!!! "Every step I take leads to one mistake: I keep going right back to the one thing that I need [...] To walk away from!"

Don't ever travel. Not unless you know how to enjoy it and know that you can get out of this train at any station. Don't ever go back home! Not until you can also call this place "Home!" Don't ever give up! Only do it when it has a meaning in itself, when it means doing something, not stopping to do something. Laugh and run, but always expect to choke while doing that!
Enjoy your summer as I enjoy my summerish crises.

Food for thought: what is the difference between people who listen to music in a low volume and those who do it with a (very) high volume?

My chapter is over…

I remember one late evening back when I was in high-school. I was with this girl, in Galati, talking… flirting. I remember myself saying something like “I’ve changed a lot of times throughout my life so far; and I’ve worked a lot to reach the point in which I am now. I love who I am now, also because of the energy I invested to get here, and I am not going to change… not for you, nor for anybody else!” I was that guy for quite a long period of time (relative to my “other selves”) and I even used that line with some other girls, some of them might even be reading these lines. I was that guy!

In more recent years, I remember another thing that I said quite a lot (you might have heard me if you were paying attention, but don’t be sad if you realize that you weren’t): “I hate happy endings!” Of course, I was always letting you think that I am only referring to Hollywood movies. I wasn’t! I even labeled myself as being “depressive” once in a while. Of course, I always protected you (whoever you are) by making it sound like a joke. I was only protecting you.

All these things, and more, come back to me now; the puzzle is clear. And, as Steve Jobs says in his Stanford speech in 2005, which I like very much, “you can only connect the dots looking backwards!” I hated happy endings because I always knew that there will be a happy ending at the end of the movie, so, when it was all over, I had lost something: I had lost a no-happy ending. So I was ok, it was ok for me because losing something made me feel good because I was depressive, and depressive personalities feel good when they lose or when they lack or even when they hurt.

I see all these now and quite some more, but I cannot write everything in here. I do see it and that is because of one reason. One! I was that guy up until around 20 minutes ago. I am not him anymore. Still, I am Vick and I know my identity, which has not change. But the way in which I’m doing things has. The way in which I need to feel in order to be happy has changed.

I told some of the people who were very close to me in the past week (do not read “only in the past week”) that I feel I am about to make a really big decision in my life, that I am close to a turning point. I thought, then, that it would be about me applying for this entry-level, HR, grossly overpaid job a friend of mine told me about, or continuing with my dream (plan) of starting my own business. I see now how wrong I was. The turning point (as it seems) was a lot more important than a job or a career, it was about me, my life, my personality, my whole being.

So this is it! Cheers for the new me! If you’re curious how I look now, I’m sure that you will find a way for us to spend some time together and you will have the chance to discover the changes for yourself. Until then, hugs and kisses!

Food for thought: can you go on living the same life as you were before when you realize that you are a different person?